The Random Files: FMA edition
by SapphireClaw
Summary: The Random Files is a little series i made a long time ago and decided to make a FMA version! These will be weird and, you guessed it, random oneshots that take place in the FMA world. there will be many cross-dimensional topics like a character running into a fangirl or a Yaoi fanfic... *Shudders* Anyhoo, get ready for some weirdness peeps! :D (rated for language and violence)
1. Chapter 1: Yaoi 1

The Random Files: FMA edition

Author's Note:

The Random Files was a little series I wrote a few years back. It started out as random or funny little story ideas that didn't really have anything to do with a show or book. I would sometimes do mini crossovers at times like Owls of Ga'hoole meets Warrior Cats. But I think I deleted the whole thing... Oh well, I decided to do an FMA edition! Plot penguins made me do it, I swear!

So this is how these things are gonna work. Each chapter will be a very short mini story with completely different topics unless it's a multi-chapter one. You, my readers, can suggest topics and requests n' stuff too! I will do them as long as they don't involve anything terrible. O.O

Chapter one: Yaoi (Multi-Chapter)

(Don't worry, this is not a yaoi fic. In fact, quite the opposite. :3)

* * *

"Hey brother?" Alphonse called from their military dorm's bedroom.

"What is it Al?" Ed answered from where he was splayed on the couch in utter boredom.

"Someone left us some papers." Al said as he came walking into the living room with a packet of paper in his hands.

Edward's interest peaked and he sat up. "Lemme see! Maybe it's something I can do instead of be bored all day!" he cheered.

Alphonse handed the packet to his brother warily. He hasn't read it, but he didn't like it. The whole thing felt... Evil somehow... But Al shrugged it off and walked back into the room to finish cleaning.

Edward eagerly took the papers and scanned the heading.

"RoyEd...? What the hell is that?" Ed murmured to himself. "Oh well..."

* * *

*Twenty minutes later*

* * *

Alphonse walked back into the living room and saw his brother sitting on the couch with the papers in his lap. But what unnerved Al was the fact that Ed wasn't moving... He just stared at the wall.

"Brother?" Alphonse called, walking around the couch to look at Ed.

Edward's eye's were wide and twitchy with an angry redness to them. He looked absolutely pissed, disgusted, and horrified.

"Ed... What's the matter?" Al asked again. He crouched down to look at the papers in his brother's lap and saw that it had only been opened about halfway. Al sighed and shook his head. "You only read half of it? Thats pretty pathetic..."

"Alphonse..." Ed hissed.

Al looked up at his brother in surprise. "Yeah?"

"Do you know who left this here?" Edward asked.

"Well... No. I found it on your bed. Actually... The window was open too and I don't remember ever touching it..." Al answered. "Is there a signature or something?"

Edward reluctantly looked back down to the pages and cringed. He tore his eyes from the abomination that was sitting in his lap and carefully flipped it over to the last page as it were toxic. He tensed and slowly glanced at the bottom of the page, making sure to avoid anything else.

"LoveElric2899." Ed read aloud.

"LoveElric2899? who is that?" Al asked.

(made-up username! Sorry if it's really yours... But I'd be surprised...)

Edward clenched his fists and closed the packet of papers. "It must be the person who wrote this abomination..." He hissed.

"What's wrong with it?" Al asked as he took the papers from his brother and scanned the title. "What's a RoyEd?"

Edward cringed at the word. "That's what I said... But... I wish I never found out..." He shuddered and curled into a ball.

"What?"

"Please... You don't want to know..."

"But what is it?" Al argued. He was truly curious to know what had gotten his brother so terrified.

"Let's just say whoever wrote this has a sick, sick twisted mind... I don't even like the Colonel... I hate him in fact..." Edward shuddered again as his words trailed off.

Alphonse flipped a page and began reading. But Edward snatched the book from his brother's hands and sprinted away.

"ED!" Al shouted.

"I'm sorry! But this disgusting abomination shouldn't exist in the world!" Ed shouted as he ran out into the hallway.

"Ed, GET BACK HERE! I want to know what's in that!" Al called. He jumped up and chased after his brother.

Edward ran out into the courtyard with Alphonse hot on his heels. Passing soldiers watched in confusion and amusement as Edward ran from his brother.

Ed quickly clapped his hands and slammed then on the ground. Earth rose up and trapped Al in a tight grip.

"EDWARD! let me go! What's gotten into you?!" Al shouted as he struggled.

Edward breathed heavily and stood up. "Al, I wish I could un-see all that I have just read... I don't want you to be scarred... I'm just happy I only read half of it... I swear this book is evil! Sucking you in and striping you of your innocence and dignity... Especially when it's about you..." Ed murmured, suppressing a shudder.

"About who?" A voice asked.

Edward jumped and whipped around to see the colonel himself standing behind him. "M-Mustang... Uhhh..." Ed stuttered.

Before Edward could do anything, the papers were gone and appeared in Roy's hands. Mustang looked them over.

"What's this?"

"Please don't... I found that on my bed, I think someone snuck in through the window and left it there. P-Please give it back... It needs to be destroyed in the most malicious way possible..." Edward begged.

Ed's breath caught in his throat when the Colonel flipped the page and began to read.

"COLONEL! Stop! I'm warning you! I read only some of it and I'm scarred for life!" Ed pleaded. He tried to take the papers but Mustang just lifted it out of reach and held Edward back.

"Whats RoyEd?" Roy asked with a frown.

"You don't wanna know, now GIMME THAT!" Ed demanded.

Roy turned out to be a much faster reader than Ed had thought. He was already five pages in. Roy's expression grew more and more horrified with each page.

Mustang suddenly slammed the thick book closed and shuddered. "Fullmetal..." He murmured.

"I warned you..." Ed sighed.

"What the hell is this?"

"Some kind of sick story written by a creepy fan called LoveElric2899..." Ed answered.

"No, I mean what IS this?" Roy asked again.

"I have no flippin idea!" Ed shouted.

"Are you sure you didn't write it?"

Edward's eyes widened and he stood gaping at his superior officer. "What... You think..." he whispered. "AW, HELL NAW! you think I would write something like THAT?! You bastard!" Ed snarled and punched Roy on the arm.

"Okay... But if you didn't write it... Where is the person who did?" Roy asked shakily.

"I have no idea... But I want to murder them so badly right now!"

"Agreed..."

"Can you give that back?" Ed asked.

"No..."

Edward paled and stared at the Colonel. "Wha? WHAT?! what are you gonna do, keep it?! Maybe put it in your office to read when you're bored?! You sick twiste-"

"Hell no!" Roy snapped. "I'm going to destroy this monstrosity!"

Edward nodded. "Agreed."

The flame alchemist tossed the packet of papers onto the pavement and raised his gloved hand. In one quick snap, the pile of papers was ablaze in a torrent of fire. Roy scowled and snapped again, reducing the abomination to dust.

Roy lowered his hand and turned to look at his subordinate. "Fullmetal."

"Yes?" Edward asked warily.

"Let us never speak of this again."

"Agreed."

-(AN: there! Mah first oneshot thingie! Like it? I thought it was pretty funny. I have to wonder what the character's reactions would be if they suddenly came across a Yaoi fanfic of themselves and another character and read it? I think I would run for cover before Kimblee or Roy blows up the whole of Amestris...)


	2. Chapter 2: Yaoi 2

The Random Files: FMA edition

Chapter 2: Yaoi 2: Elricest

(so basically I'm writing the same thing as the first chapter but with a different type of Yaoi. Yeeeeah... Dx this type is one of the worst in my opinion... It's just soooo messssed uuuup!  
(On a side note, this chapter starts off exactly like the first one.)

* * *

"Hey brother?" Alphonse called from their military dorm's bedroom.

"What is it Al?" Ed answered from where he was splayed on the couch in utter boredom.

"Someone left us some papers." Al said as he came walking into the living room with a packet of paper in his hands.

Edward's interest peaked and he sat up. "Lemme see! Maybe it's something I can do instead of be bored all day!" he cheered.

Alphonse handed the packet to his brother warily. He hasn't read it, but he didn't like it. The whole thing felt... Evil somehow... But Al shrugged it off and walked back into the room to finish cleaning.

Edward eagerly took the papers and scanned the heading.

"Elricest...?" Ed murmured in confusion. His confusion cleared in a second when he realized what that word meant. It was quite obvious!

Edward abruptly snapped the book closed and stood up without a second thought after reading the title. He walked over to the trashcan, clapped his hands, and held the paper monstrosity above the trash.

Ed's expression was blank but on the inside he was nearly bursting with rage and disgust. He didn't even read one sentence! Just the title was enough to piss him off.

"Burn in hell." Edward growled before he transmuted.

The lightening crackled briefly around Ed's hands and the papers. The book turned a dark shade of grey and disintegrated into ashes. Ed watched the dust fall into the trashcan with a look of pure hatred. He simply stared at the can without moving, glaring at the pile of ashes as if it was a demon.

"Hey brother?" Alphonse called as he entered the living room and looked around for Edward. He spotted him standing motionless above the trashcan. "Ed?"

Edward suddenly turned around and walked away from the can and met his brother with a forced smile.

"Hey Al, do you wanna go someplace to eat? Like, somewhere that isn't here? I know! Maybe we can go to that new deli that opened!" Edward said with forced happiness. He walked right past Al and headed for the door in a hurry.

"B-But the deli is on the other side of the city!" Alphonse exclaimed.

"Exactly!" Ed shouted back as he left the dorm.

Al sighed and hurried after his brother.

* * *

(There. The second part. Maybe Ed and Al should lock that window... Anyway, :C I REALLY didn't want to write about this type of yaoi... It's just SOOO messed up... So I made it super short. I'm pretty sure Ed could figure out what the fic was about just by reading the title. I mean, he's not stupid, he could easily guess. Soooo... Yeah... BAI!)


	3. Chapter 3: Felis Catus

The Random Files: FMA edition  
chapter 3: Felis Catus (kitties)

(Requested by die-hard-4-anime. Hope you like it buddeh and thanks for reviewing!)

(also, this chapter won't really be random or weird... It's kinda normal actually... Thats pretty depressing... Jk, :3)

* * *

Alphonse tiptoed past the dark hallway as quietly as his armor would allow. He slowly made his way past all the dorms to the room he shared with his brother. Al hoped with all his soul that Edward was already asleep.

"Meow!" a tiny black kitten cried from within the armor.

Al froze and reached into his armor and pulled the little cat out. "Shhh... Shadow, you gotta be quiet!" He told the kitten softly with a stroke to it's head. The cat purred and nuzzled against the huge hand affectionately. If Al had a body, he would be dying from the cuteness.

"I'm glad I found you, Shadow! You're so cute! I'm sure my brother will let me keep you!" Al cooed. The kitten snorted in response and slowly blinked it's piercing green eyes as if saying, 'I doubt it.' Al chuckled and gently placed the kitten back into it's hiding place.

Alphonse continued walking to his room and slowly opened the door. It was pitch-black and quiet, maybe Ed had fallen asleep? Al tiptoed inside and sat down on the couch. He was about to lift his new cat from it's hiding place when a blinding light filled the room.

"Where have you been?" Edward asked from where he leaned in the doorway to the bedroom, his finger still holding the light switch.

"Uh... Um... N-Nowhere! I j-just went for a walk!" Al stammered.

Ed sighed and walked over to his brother. "What is it this time? a tabby or a calico?"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" Al stuttered.

Edward sighed again and suddenly knocked his metal hand against Alphonse's chest plate. The sound of ringing metal echoed around inside the armor loudly. Just as Ed expected, a low meow of annoyance sounded from within his brother's metal shell.

Edward shook his head in exasperation "You're a terrible liar, Al."

"Aw, come on brother! She's so cute!" Al begged. He pulled the little cat out and stroked her fuzzy black fur. The cat purred but kept her curious gaze on the older brother.

"Again, Al? You know we can't keep a cat! We travel too much to take care of one!" Ed sighed.

Al pulled the cat close and faintly glared at his brother angrily. "You're so cruel! Shadow is such a smart little kitty! She can take care of herself!" Al responded.

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Shadow?"

"Yeah, Shadow. That's her name!" Al stated.

"Al, give me one good reason why this cat is better than the hundreds you've picked up before." Ed sighed.

"Well for one she's really pretty. Just look at her eyes! They can gaze into your soul! And secondly, she's really smart! Watch!" Al placed the cat onto the coffee table and backed away. Shadow just continued to stare at Edward curiously.

"Yeah, she's sooo smart." Ed snorted.

"Just wait. Shadow," The cat looked away from Ed and up at Al. "Sit."

To Edward's surprise, the little kitten sat obediently. "S-So? The cat can sit, so what..." Ed mumbled.

"Now, Shadow, lie down."

The cat obeyed.

"Shadow, sit." Al commanded again.

The cat sat up from it's laying position immediately. Al praised the kitten and patted it's head.

"There, see brother?" Al said smugly.

Edward stared at the black cat in shock. How can this kitten act like a well-trained dog?!

"Lemme try." Ed murmured. "Shadow." the cat turned to gaze at the older Elric once more and gave a questioning meow. "Uh... Fetch... my alchemy book?" Edward asked awkwardly.

The cat tilted it's head and looked up at Alphonse. Al chuckled and pointed to the bedroom door. The cat gave a little meow of thanks and hopped down from the table. It walked over to the closed door and stared up at it.

"Oh, lemme open it kitt-" Al began but was interrupted when the cat jumped up and landed on the doorknob. With a slight twist of it's body, the kitten unlatched the door and pushed it open. Al and Edward stared in disbelief as the cat squeezed inside the room.

"I...I didn't know she could do that..." Al gasped.

There was a rustling noise and the cat's rump poked through the door. She slowly backed the rest of the way out, dragging a thick brown book with her.

Edward walked over to the struggling cat and lifted the book. His eyes widened as he scanned the title. Ed turned to look at his brother and showed the book's cover.

"Introduction to Alchemy..." Ed breathed. "Why did she choose this one? I haven't read it in so long and there are many other alchemy books!"

Al tilted his head and thought about it while Shadow hopped onto his lap and curled up for a nap. "I guess it's because you told her to fetch, YOUR alchemy book... I read all the books at night because I can't sleep so most of them must smell like me, not you. You were the last person to touch that book so I guess Shadow decided it was yours judging by scent." Al stated.

Edward looked up at his brother from the book and stared at him in bewilderment. "So you're saying that this kitten can understand what I'm saying?!" Ed exclaimed.

Al looked cross for a moment. "Of course! You give animals far too little credit! They are much more intelligent than you think." He huffed.

Edward smirked and looked at the sleeping kitten. "Okay... Let me see... I'd be surprised that such a tiny flea-bitten mangy stray could even learn anything!" Ed laughed.

Shadow's head went strait up at Ed's statement. She laid her ears back and hissed at him in anger.

Edward smiled, "I was just kidding, kitty, don't get your fur in a bunch." Ed chuckled.

"So, can I keep her?!" Al asked hopefully.

Edward frowned and shook his head. Al looked crestfallen and was about to argue when Ed interrupted him.

"Al, I don't think a cat like this would be wandering the streets. I'm pretty sure she belongs to someone... Someone who really knows how to train an animal." Ed stated.

Al pouted and squeezed the cat protectively. "Then who does she belong to?"

Suddenly the sound of shattering glass filled the room. Edward and Alphonse looked up in surprise to see a man swing in through the window. He was wearing all black and had on a mask like a thief.

Edward stood up and was about to transmute his arm when Shadow perked up and raced over to the strange intruder.

"Meow, Meow, Meow!" Shadow chirped happily.

The man leaned down and scooped the cat into his arms. "Midnight!" he cooed. "I was so worried! Don't you ever run off like that again!"

"Mrrow..." Midnight/Shadow mewed sadly, her tail drooping. But then she perked up and wriggled from his grasp.

"Midnight?"

"Meow Meow!" The cat called, walking up to Alphonse and rubbing against him while purring.

The intruder looked at the brothers curiously before smiling (or at least it looked like a smile behind that mask.) "Thank you all so much for looking after my precious kitty!" the man said.

"Uh... N-No problem..." Ed stuttered in bewilderment.

"I am truly grateful. Midnight is my partner, you see. She helps me pick locks and the like, so loosing her would not only loose my friendly companion, but my important partner! I can only give you my thanks, however." The man announced happily. "I must leave now. Good bye." He took a bow and leaped back out the window with the black cat close behind.

Ed and Al stared out into the darkness in utter shock and confusion.

"Al..." Ed murmured.

"Yes brother?"

"This is why I don't like it when you bring home stray cats..."

"This is the first time anything like this has happened!" Al argued. "How was I supposed to know the cat belonged to a thief?"

"Don't bring home another cat, okay? I'm going to bed... Please fix the window..." Ed sighed before slinking off to his room.

Al sighed and waked over to the broken window. A simple transmutation later it was fixed. Al sat down on the couch and stared at the floor sadly.

A muffled 'Mew' was heard. Al looked up and stared out the newly-fixed window at a pretty little white-and-orange tabby kitten that was climbing on the windowsill.

Al looked around and tiptoed over to the window and opened it. He took the little kitty into his arms and cuddled with it.

"I hope brother is asleep..."

"ALPHONSE!"

"Dammit..."


	4. Chapter 4: Cuz I can!

The Random Files: FMA edition

(My friend made me do it... And it is awesome. :3 shout out to Popcornfeet for helping me get the idea for this.)

*What would happen when Roy became führer? He'd definitely goof off with his new rank.

Chapter 4: because I can!

* * *

Hawkeye: Sir... Why are you sleeping on the job?

Führer Roy mustang: Cuz I can! *happily spins in his spinny chair.*

* * *

Later...

Hawkeye: "sir... Why did you burn your stack of paperwork?"

Führer Mustang: "Cuz I CAN!" *tosses a handful of paper ashes into the air.

Hawkeye: *facepalm* "why did you do that?"

Roy: "Cuz I can... And the cleaning lady owes me money..."

* * *

A couple hours later...

Hawkeye: "Sir. Why did you burn down the janitor's closet?"

Roy: "Cuz the cleaning lady never paid me back..."

Hawkeye: *shakes her head* "I know your having fun being the new führer but could you just calm down? could you at least stay out of trouble for the rest of today?"

Roy: "fine..."

* * *

One day later...

Riza: *eyes filled with anger* "sir... Where is my uniform? And why is my locker filled with miniskirts?"

Roy. *smirks* "I don't know where it is. Who could have done such a thing?"

Riza: "one of the officers say you sneak into the locker room..."

Roy: O.o "uh..." *sprints away* "You'll never take me alive!"

* * *

Several hours later...

Havoc: *awkwardly stares at his superior who is hiding in his locker.* "Führer... Why are you stuffed in my locker?"

Roy: "Because I'm scared. stay quiet."

* * *

The next day...

Hawkeye: *breaks down the führer's office door and stomps up to a terrified Roy Mustang* "Führer, Why did you burn down that children's hospital!?"

Roy: O.O "c-cuz I can?"

Riza: "that's it! I'm taking away your gloves! You're grounded!" *grabs Roy's ignition gloves and proceeds to walk around, collecting the gloves that were hidden in the room*

Roy: QAQ "NUUUUU! I'm sorry! I can reconstruct it! Wait... No I can't... But Alphonse can! Please don't take my gloves!" *grabs the cape of Hawkeye's military uniform. But she continued to walk away with the führer's ignition gloves, dragging said führer along.*

Hawkeye: "I'll call Alphonse later and have him reconstruct the hospital. Be happy that it was closed for the week and nobody was inside." *she kicked out behind her, hitting Roy and making him let go of her uniform.* "you are under house arrest for the time being."

Mustang: "I'm the führer! Why would you arrest the highest ranking officer?!

Riza: *turns around and glares at her superior.* "because I can."

* * *

:3 mustang was definitely OOC but that's the whole point. He's being a dork. A major one. Poor Hawkeye has to babysit him! And now that he has so much power she has to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. and he managed to do all of that in just three days...


End file.
